You might think this is crazy – or maybe even that I sound a bit egotistical, but I have to tell you how insanely mentally and emotionally healthy I am.
Well, at least I must be healthy. Or, I really am crazy…
The thing is… my highest desire for each of you is that you become as “crazy” as I am! (This kind of “crazy” actually is really healthy.)
Here’s what I’m talking about and how you can benefit from this experience, as well:
Three years after our divorce, my ex-wife got married again in September of 2010. She and her new husband were planning a trip to Europe awhile back, and she asked if I could stay at their home with our 11-year-old son while they were gone. Since I live and work fifty miles away in San Diego, this was the most logical way to manage everyone’s schedules.
I thought this was really weird, but I had to acknowledge that I would be majorly affected by his school schedule needs if I tried to handle all of this with him staying with me in San Diego. This weird option did make sense.
During the time I watched over him there, I was of course surrounded by all of their things. I came to realize fairly quickly that I wasn’t uncomfortable there in the midst of her new life’s belongings.
I thought that was really interesting, but that’s as far as I took it. It wasn’t until my ex-mother-in-law (with whom I continue to have a good relationship) made a comment to me that I came to a deeper realization.
She and I were on the phone discussing arrangements for my son, and she made the comment about how uncomfortable it must be for me to be staying with him there in my ex-wife’s home. It was only then that I made the conscious connection to the fact that I was actually very comfortable there, and I then realized how strange that was.
I became pretty happy about this, realizing once again that my ex-wife and I were choosing to conduct ourselves much differently than do most other divorced couples.
We actually get along quite well, as evidenced by her asking me to stay in her home to watch over our son, and I was good with that. I mean – really good with it. It surprised my former mother-in-law to hear me say that, and I get a lot of astonished looks when I tell the story to other people, too. They always say, “How can you be there and not feel really uncomfortable or go into bad memories?”
At this point, the enlightened and at-peace Kent just says, “Hey, I’ve been good for some time now with the marriage ending.” Because we both finally came to see that our lives were intended to go in different directions.
We (eventually) let go of the negative emotions and pain and became open enough to understand that our passion and purpose journeys were moving in opposite directions from each other, and we each felt strongly that we needed to follow the messages we were getting from our internal selves.
We also felt strongly that in order to keep our family “intact” while not married, we both needed to and would benefit from choosing to get along, and be great communicators as well as a loving co-parenting team.
Once you’ve gone through the storming and opened your eyes to develop that mutual understanding, what is there to continue to be uncomfortable or pissed off about?”
In the interest of full disclosure though, I have to say that it took me awhile to get to that place of enlightened peace. I went through a very angry period as we were going through our divorce; I was extremely hurt that she didn’t seem to have any interest in wanting to save the marriage, which just didn’t make sense to me because it had been a long, happy, and loving one.
My initial internal transformation occurred when I realized that – for my own good – I needed to let it go and begin to create the most positive future for my life that I could. That was a start.
As part of making this new life, I began to read a lot. As I now have come to understand, the things we are to learn at points in our lives are presented to us when it is time and when we are open.
As I integrated these new learnings, I came to receive powerful and poignant insight that the marriage needed to be over in order for me to find and become who I was always intended to be.
As my ex-wife and I have both been privileged to experience, when you discover and choose to connect with your deepest passions, you become true to the essence of who you truly are. When you align your life with your passions, your unique personal destiny begins to unfold naturally and effortlessly. Now, there will be some surprises, of course, but allowing this journey to unfold is how to find and experience the happiness, peace, and fulfillment that we all deserve.
And do know that one of the surprises can be the opportunity and challenge to let go of something that has served you and comforted you for maybe a very long time – like perhaps a very loving 22-year marriage. One day, you may just need to awaken to the fact that it no longer works – it no longer serves you as a couple. Yes, you should make an effort to strive for it to work again. But if that’s not in the cards, know that it’s okay and there is a greater good working to make itself known to you.
That is what I wish for you. That when these types of very painful transitions may occur for you, you ultimately allow yourself to let go when you realize it’s finally done. Letting go also means letting go of any fear, or bitterness, or anger, or any other negative emotions.
Do allow yourself to go through the stages of grief as they show up for you – that’s absolutely essential when things are still very raw, and you need to process these feelings to later become free and move forward.
But when it’s time, I challenge you to let go. Honor the good memories that will be there forever if you allow them. My ex-wife and I still can chat easily about the great memories of our marriage – and we will continue to honor them, because those memories will always be valid.
However, when you’ve started to heal after something ends, do let go of the feelings that no longer serve you. And then look forward eagerly to the next step that God, the Universe, has in store for you. You’ll ultimately be very pleased, I assure you. This letting go is a huge element of moving into alignment with the person you’re intended to be and the life you’re meant to live.
Here’s to you finding and living your passions,